Still here, still pregnant. I'm at the point where I really can't imagine that I'm ever going to have this baby, but people assure me that it really is going to happen. Our midwife told us that we may have had our due date wrong by five days, and I imagine they are going to tell us that for the next five years or so and I'll just be big and huge and pregnant for ages.

So, officially our due date is somewhere between the 6th and the 11th of April. I like the sound of April 2nd, myself, and labor sounds like a fine way to pass a Monday. Monday's child is fair of face. Well, that's a given! Poor Wednesday's child is full of woe! Let's hope she doesn't actually arrive on the 11th!

I had my weekly visit with the midwives yesterday, and everything is just fine. The babe sounds good and Mary thought she might be around 8 lbs.! I tested negative for GBS - a HUGE relief, because I really don't want to be hooked up to anything during labor.

I still haven't packed my bag or washed the baby's new things or ordered the diaper service. I am in serious denial that anything is about to happen, I suppose. So ready and so unready....

We finished our birthing classes. I LOVED this experience, and am seriously going to look into being a childbirth educator down the road a little. We had a great teacher and I could really envision getting into the whole thing. We talked to her a little about the process and she said there's a demand and that it's a really flexible and rewarding way to bring in a little extra money. We like the sound of that! I've always been obsessed with pregnancy/birth/newborns, so it could be a good fit at some point.

The funny thing is....I've hated being pregnant. I know I've mentioned it, but I feel surprised by it. I have been looking forward to this experience for my whole life, and I feel disappointed. Yesterday I was feeling pretty good and we were at Trader Joe's and everyone was smiling at me and the checkout guy was really sweet. I thought "Oh! This is what other pregnant women feel like!" I haven't been able to enjoy the special attention that comes with this because I've felt so tired and not myself. I was telling another expectant lady at Mabel's that, in effect, I've felt like I've had an illness for 9 months. Such a bummer.

Little girl....COME OUT!! We want to hug you and kiss you and love you and enjoy you and get on with this business of becoming a little family!

I think a lot of people have a friend like my friend C. We were thick as thieves for about five years, and then he disappeared from my life. I can't seem to track him down - and in all honesty, I haven't tried that hard - but if he wanted to be in touch he could be, and that's the part that breaks my heart. I miss him all the time.

It's hard to describe what it was like to be around him. He made the world seem full of possibilities and horrifyingly sad all in the same breath. It seemed like he could be famous, and like I could be his famous sidekick. We drank way too much together and by the end of most nights were the saddest drunks in the world. We wanted boyfriends. We wanted to be someplace else. We wanted to keep partying. And sometimes we resented the fact that we were only left with each other.

Sometimes I basked in the glow of being his friend, and sometimes I felt awkward, like I was saying the wrong thing, certainly wearing the wrong thing, and like he was looking for someone more clever to hang out with. But when we were good, we were great - in a way that I haven't felt with many people.

I have no illusions that I was "special" in his life, even though he would say things to me like "I love you more than anyone" and "nobody knows me like you." He probably said that to a hundred girls in his lifetime. It was just so effective! And it's not that I don't think that he did love me - I'm sure he did, and maybe still does in his own complicated way.

Two years ago I got married to Ashley and I wanted C to be there. He couldn't come because he was "sorting himself out." I was pretty upset, but frankly hopeful that he'd come out of things swinging. Last week I googled him (after trying to email him at his last known workplace and being told he left with no forwarding information) and found a picture of him at and Hermes opening (perfect) with a huge cocktail in his hand. So maybe he hasn't sorted himself out quite yet. Who knows.

I've emailed him about the upcoming arrival of our daughter, and haven't heard back. I'm not surprised, just sad. I'd love for my daughter to know him - for some of that magic to light up her picture of the world like it did mine.

It's just occurring to me that the last time I saw C was waving good-bye to him as I stumbled out of a cab in New York after a LONG night. He was on his way to another party and I had to work in the morning. Before I left for work the next day, I saw that he had called me several times in the wee hours of the morning - something I had grown very used to, no matter how many time zones were between us. I wonder who he calls now.

In my perfect world, we'll be friends again when we live closer. I think he'd really like my husband. I fantasize about him having his own place in our house where he can come and rest and write and play with our girl on the weekends.

Ashley and I spent two nights at Edgefield - an old poor farm outside of portland that'd been renovated into an inn with lots of bars and whatnot - for a little break before the baby arrives. I fell for shuffleboard while we were there....SO FUN! Here's a picture of me standing over our game. I know it's dark, but I feel like it's a pretty accurate portrayal of exactly how huge I am.

I never knew I could be so tired. I know people say the real tiredness comes after the baby is born, but I really do believe it'll be a relief to be just one person again. I feel like I have disagreed with a lot of what people told me about pregnancy, so maybe I'll disprove the whole "no sleep" thing, too? Hee-hee!

My appointment Thursday went well. I was full of questions, and I had a captive student midwife so I got them all answered - the "real" midwives often seem too busy to take a whole lot of time. The babe is head down, ready to make her entrance. Her heart rate is a nice 140 and she's moving more throughout the day. I haven't gained any weight in the last few weeks, which is surprising considering the fact that I've basically eaten sour cream, ice cream, cream cheese, and anything else whose main ingredient is cream. Why can't it always be like that?

Our birthing class was postponed a week. I'm not sure we'll make it to the end as we were cutting it close anyway. I suppose I'll figure it out anyway! I'm also interested in the breastfeeding class, and the infant care class....but I think we may have missed those boats
. Looks like we'll be learning lots on our own.