The Gauge

2007-05-28T20:39:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm following the wave of people jumping ship and moving over to Typepad!

Come visit me at my new online home, won't you?

The new and improved Gauge!

WORD! This'll be fun!

2007-05-26T09:25:00.000-07:00

Even Midge gets tired sometimes. That's her the coffee shop we like - she fell asleep while I was putting our Moby on to take her home - I think she had exhausted herself. She had an epic screaming fit a little earlier, that was so bad that I had to nurse her in the car WHILE I was driving (okay - I wasn't driving, but still). We pulled up in front of our building, and I couldn't fathom the trek into our apartment with that screaming little bundle of cuteness, so I just nursed her right there. Then we headed for coffee and a little r&r.....meaning Robin and Reese, who met up with us a little while later. Thank god for other new moms, I tell you what.

I hesitate to write this down, but Elinor has been sleeping at night this week. It seems that some of her sleeplessness was our fault (duh) for not turning the lights off earlier, and for trying to change her position after she falls asleep nursing. She just can't be moved once she falls asleep, or all bets are off. We've made some adjustments and things seem to be working, by golly.

Don't tell the baby, but after she fell asleep, Ashley and I started to watch The Hills Have Eyes. The last thing I remember thinking goes something like this - "...weird...I'm actually kind of enjoying this film....and I'm not tired! I might get to watch a movie while the baby sleeps....zzzzzzzz..." Fade to darkness.

2007-05-22T14:01:00.000-07:00

Well, I went to my first post-pregnancy WW meeting today. I was nervous, but it wasn't half bad. Also? Nursing moms get a TON of points. For those of you who haven't done WW (and if you're trying to lose a little weight I HIGHLY recommend it) every food has a number of points assigned to it and you get a daily allowance of said points. Anyway, they have changed the way they calculate the number of points you get, and nursing moms get a bajillion on top of that, so I think it's doable. I'll keep you posted.

What else?

Oh! The baby! She's doing really well - sleeping more, smiling more, getting cuter every single minute. It's pretty great. In the last few days I went to Fred Meyer's and my meeting without her, which was STRANGE. I realized I hadn't been apart from her in her whole 5 weeks alive. I know that isn't rare, but it still seems funny to say it out loud. But it's good to know that I can leave her with Ashley for an hour if I need to get out by myself, just for a breather.

We're having an "event" at Mabel's tonight. I'm really nervous about it. I feel like I'm having a party and I don't think anybody will show up. If anyone in the Portland area is free tonight at 6, the author of "Punk Knits" will be at the shop signing books, giving a workshop, and showing her wares. Also? She was a rock star in the 80s! So come by and give her a high five!

Crazy crying baby in the other room and milk everywhere! Time to go!

2007-05-17T16:34:00.000-07:00

There's my little cutie basking in the sun.

This week has been a mixed bag. Midge seems to be gradually getting better at sleeping at night - two steps forward, one step back, that kind of thing. And that's great! Want to know what's not so great? Mastitis! Holy Crap! That's all kinds of bad news. I couldn't get out of bed, couldn't see straight (my temp. spiked to 103) and had to nurse and BE A PARENT through the whole thing! Crimeny.

I don't think it would have been so bad, but I keep thinking I'm going to feel better and then I get knocked down by something else. I was in such bad shape when we left the hospital, in such constant, scary pain, that I think I'm just feeling worn down by the things that have happened since. I'm frustrated that it takes me so long to get out of bed, that I still can't sit in a chair for more than 30 minutes, that if I do too much I land back in bed for two days. I so want to feel good now. I want Midge to have a mother who doesn't moan so frigging much. I want Ashley to have a wife who doesn't cry in the shower every morning! Don't get me wrong! I know that I'll get all better, and I'm amazed, given my whole disposition, that I seem to have escaped any real depression or anything like that. Mentally I feel good, other than being beaten down by pain/discomfort. And the most important thing? Elinor is in perfect health, and also has the cutest corn kernels disguised as toes that I've ever seen in my life.

Can I try and make myself clear again? I LOVE having my little darling girl, and it's shaping up to be the best thing ever, but it's so hard not to get discouraged by how I feel physically. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining - I save all my complaining for my long-suffering husband, you see.

And really? How can you not be happy when you have this in your back seat?

2007-05-09T15:22:00.000-07:00

That's just me and Little Midge at the coffee shop this afternoon.

Okay, so I'm reading this book about families who have made the switch to being TV free. It's called "Living Outside the Box" by Barbara Brock, and it's actually pretty good and not too preachy. HOWEVER, in one section she is suggesting dinner conversation starters to get your kids talking, and comes up with this gem:

"Would you rather have ice cubes for hands or not be able to tell the difference between a baby and a muffin?"

WHAT?? That's the creepiest thing I've ever heard in my life!! Ha! Can you imagine asking your five year old that question? Oh my god! I'm falling over laughing...though these actually are the kinds of things I pondered when I was a kid. Hmmm.

Sigh...all I can picture now is furiously trying to nurse a muffin in the middle of the night.

2007-04-24T09:32:00.000-07:00

So, I'm going to steal someone's idea and do a little time-line of Elinor's birth. It's the easiest way for me to put things in order and be a little coherent.

Here goes!

Wednesday April 11th, 1PM - Elinor's due date! I go to the bathroom at Mabel's and see that things are starting! I know that losing your plug isn't a sure sign of labor, so I stay pretty relaxed for the rest of the afternoon as Ashley and I run errands and hang out at home, finishing things up. I feel some pressure in my belly and continue to have show throughout the afternoon, but nothing too dramatic happens. Despite the lack of action, my body knows. My pulse races when I entertain the possibility that this is it and I keep saying to Ashley, "Honey? Things are starting!"

11 PM - I call the midwife on duty and tell her that I'm having small regularish contractions and explain some worrisome (to me) details about stuff that is happening (too much info. to go into, I think...) She tells me to take a long bath and see how I feel afterward and to call back if things keep happening.

11:15 - I can only take 15 minutes in the bath before I feel like I'm going to lose my mind from the heat, so I stand up, get out of the bathtub, and something other than bath water is running down my leg....but does it look kinda weird?

11:30 - We're packing up! The midwife has told us to head to the hospital. Lottie looks confused and worried. Ashley and I just keep laughing and trying to act cool. Ashley says "You know, they'll probably just send us home," approximately 100 times.

Thursday April 12th, Midnight - We drop Lottie off at our friend Kim's house and tell her we'll call in the morning, when, Ashley points out, we'll probably be home anyway.

12:30 AM - I am admitted and strapped to the monitors. They begin watching the screen when 10 gallons of what looks like pond water and smells like cookie dough gushes out of me. Meconium! The nurse says "you're not going anywhere!" Is this it??? The baby sounds fine, they don't seem worried about anything, they may have to monitor me a little more closely, I'm 1.5 cm dilated and OH MY GOD is that what a real contraction feels like?

12:45 AM - Ashley and I walk the halls. My contractions are a minute long every three minutes. I keep looking at Ashley out of the corner of my eye because I seriously worry that he might fall over with a serious case of the giggles. He pulls it together like a champ and we go about this labor business.

For the next 7 hours I labor in the shower, in the jacuzzi, on the ball, on my feet. My contractions build and build until I feel like I'll crawl out of my skin. I am sick everywhere, I feel a little desperate, I'm disappointed when the hot water only annoys me as it's always been such a big comfort to me. Sarah (our labor assistant) shows up around 5 AM, I think, and she's a big help. Ashley is being great - just quiet and supportive. I am excited to be checked by the midwife. She straps me in to the monitors, snaps on the ol' rubber glove and tells me that I am....wait for it....3cm dilated. I cry. She tells me she thinks I need pitocin because of the amount of meconium and I order an epidural. This is a sad moment, but I know I won't make it if it gets anymore intense, so I relax into the idea. I say to Sarah, "Fuck Ina May and her stupid hippie shit." This is related to the midwife later, much to her merriment.

7:30 - The epidural man comes and does his thing. I feel something cold run down my back - how weird! I lay back in bed and wait for the relief, which I *kind of* feel. Ashley is rubbing my legs, which I feel, I have a gas pain, which I feel, and what's that? Oh, a contraction. Certainly the edge has been taken off, but I'm feeling everything. The midwife wonders if we should have him put a new one in - I say no. They try adding more drugs, but it doesn't seem to change anything. Everyone is a little perplexed, but labor is somewhat bearable and that's all I care about.

10 AM - Sarah and Ashley rest and my epidural wears off almost completely. I begin having to breathe through contractions again and things are back to about the intensity they were before the epidural. I count myself lucky because I assume things would be worse with nothing at all because of the pitocin.

11 AM - I am almost fully dilated! Yay for pitocin!

11:30 AM - Wait...what is labor? You mean the baby is actually going to come out soon? Something never happened during labor...I never connected to the experience. I don't care if the baby comes out. I want to go home and watch the Sopranos. Labor is awful and everyone lies when they say it's a spiritual experience. I have hated it. I have not breathed through the pain. I have lost sight of everything. I have forgotten to freak out about pushing.

Noon - Time to push!

To all you ladies out there who have pushed a baby out....I am so glad you're there, because I so need people to understand what this was like. I pushed for an hour and a half - nothing has ever been as physically demanding, painful, frightening, or emotional in my entire life. I am trying to keep my eye on the prize, but I can't in the face of this absolute overwhelming force of nature. My world is exactly one inch around my head. I can't open my eyes. I paw at the air for supportive hands, faces, shoulders....whatever I can get my hands on. I am being LOUD! Ashley is being perfect. I love my perfect husband with all his ice chips and cold washcloths! I think its funny that they are telling me to push....ummm, like I couldn't? There ain't no stoppin' this train! But half way through I lose it. I honestly lose hope that I can do this and I don't care if I can't. I tell everyone they don't understand. The pain is beyond imagination. I keep thinking I feel something inside of me ripping. They say "Look down, Caitlin! Look down and see the top of your baby's head!" I pry my eyes open and see a slit the size of a quarter where there should be a coconut. Don't tell me to look down anymore! Ashley sees the slit of her hair and has a completely different reaction. He is dumbfounded, overcome, emotional. The nurses ask if he needs some oxygen. He says no, but I worry that he is about to lose it. I've never seen him like this! He is so excited for his little girl! Why don't I feel like that?

1:30 PM - Elinor's head starts to peak out and stays instead of sliding back in. OH MY GOD! MY LITTLE GIRL IS ALMOST HERE! This is what this is supposed to feel like! From nowhere the will to push overtakes me and I feel her little face come out, her chin, Ashley is is telling me to "Look, honey! Look at our girl!" I don't have to look! I can feel every little inch of her...her neck, her shoulders, her arms already wiggling, and then foooosh! She's out and crying! No need for the standby waiting for her in case she's in trouble. She's wonderful! She has Ashley's feet! I love her so much I can't stay on the bed! I rise three feet above it, I swear! My little daughter is in my arms...finally!

Elinor stayed perfectly healthy ( a little jaundiced) but I unfortunately took a turn for the worse. The next 24 hours were some pretty scary ones, and I'll write about them when I have the chance. Needless to say, we are all well on the road to recovery now. I had a couple of days when I got a little too sure of myself and certainly pushed myself back a few days, but now, thanks to TV on Demand, I am staying in bed and nursing for all of my hours.

Did I mention how much Lottie loves the baby? She sleeps with one ear in the air at all times and runs to Elinor whenever she makes a peep. It's very sweet. Elinor, for her part, puts up with the kisses all over her perfect little head and feet and whatever else Lottie can lick before being called off the poor little dear.

Don't make fun of my sentences, either.

2007-04-16T12:02:00.000-07:00

Elinor Hornbeck Wallingford

She arrived Thursday afternoon, and nothing will ever be the same!
She's a little sweet pea, and though these past few days have been a challenge, we're so happy, excited, proud and hopeful that it's hard to put into words.
I'll tell the birth story and all that when it's a little easier to sit in a chair, and I'll be getting emails out to everyone in the next couple of days.
Right now I have to go lay 100 kisses on that little girl!
PLEASE be in touch!

2007-04-11T15:20:00.000-07:00

Not yet!

But....after a very stressful morning (life is very stressful right now, friends, for a number of reasons) and some hysterical outbursts (not the funny kind) I went to the bathroom and discovered I had lost my plug (too much info? too many parenthesis?) and have felt quite a bit of pressure and stuff since then. It is our later due date today, so it could happen anytime. Please let it be soon.....we so need some happiness right now....

Keep your fingers crossed for us! We'll keep you updated!

2007-03-30T13:36:00.000-07:00

Still here, still pregnant. I'm at the point where I really can't imagine that I'm ever going to have this baby, but people assure me that it really is going to happen. Our midwife told us that we may have had our due date wrong by five days, and I imagine they are going to tell us that for the next five years or so and I'll just be big and huge and pregnant for ages.

So, officially our due date is somewhere between the 6th and the 11th of April. I like the sound of April 2nd, myself, and labor sounds like a fine way to pass a Monday. Monday's child is fair of face. Well, that's a given! Poor Wednesday's child is full of woe! Let's hope she doesn't actually arrive on the 11th!

I had my weekly visit with the midwives yesterday, and everything is just fine. The babe sounds good and Mary thought she might be around 8 lbs.! I tested negative for GBS - a HUGE relief, because I really don't want to be hooked up to anything during labor.

I still haven't packed my bag or washed the baby's new things or ordered the diaper service. I am in serious denial that anything is about to happen, I suppose. So ready and so unready....

We finished our birthing classes. I LOVED this experience, and am seriously going to look into being a childbirth educator down the road a little. We had a great teacher and I could really envision getting into the whole thing. We talked to her a little about the process and she said there's a demand and that it's a really flexible and rewarding way to bring in a little extra money. We like the sound of that! I've always been obsessed with pregnancy/birth/newborns, so it could be a good fit at some point.

The funny thing is....I've hated being pregnant. I know I've mentioned it, but I feel surprised by it. I have been looking forward to this experience for my whole life, and I feel disappointed. Yesterday I was feeling pretty good and we were at Trader Joe's and everyone was smiling at me and the checkout guy was really sweet. I thought "Oh! This is what other pregnant women feel like!" I haven't been able to enjoy the special attention that comes with this because I've felt so tired and not myself. I was telling another expectant lady at Mabel's that, in effect, I've felt like I've had an illness for 9 months. Such a bummer.

Little girl....COME OUT!! We want to hug you and kiss you and love you and enjoy you and get on with this business of becoming a little family!

2007-03-20T17:57:00.000-07:00

I think a lot of people have a friend like my friend C. We were thick as thieves for about five years, and then he disappeared from my life. I can't seem to track him down - and in all honesty, I haven't tried that hard - but if he wanted to be in touch he could be, and that's the part that breaks my heart. I miss him all the time.

It's hard to describe what it was like to be around him. He made the world seem full of possibilities and horrifyingly sad all in the same breath. It seemed like he could be famous, and like I could be his famous sidekick. We drank way too much together and by the end of most nights were the saddest drunks in the world. We wanted boyfriends. We wanted to be someplace else. We wanted to keep partying. And sometimes we resented the fact that we were only left with each other.

Sometimes I basked in the glow of being his friend, and sometimes I felt awkward, like I was saying the wrong thing, certainly wearing the wrong thing, and like he was looking for someone more clever to hang out with. But when we were good, we were great - in a way that I haven't felt with many people.

I have no illusions that I was "special" in his life, even though he would say things to me like "I love you more than anyone" and "nobody knows me like you." He probably said that to a hundred girls in his lifetime. It was just so effective! And it's not that I don't think that he did love me - I'm sure he did, and maybe still does in his own complicated way.

Two years ago I got married to Ashley and I wanted C to be there. He couldn't come because he was "sorting himself out." I was pretty upset, but frankly hopeful that he'd come out of things swinging. Last week I googled him (after trying to email him at his last known workplace and being told he left with no forwarding information) and found a picture of him at and Hermes opening (perfect) with a huge cocktail in his hand. So maybe he hasn't sorted himself out quite yet. Who knows.

I've emailed him about the upcoming arrival of our daughter, and haven't heard back. I'm not surprised, just sad. I'd love for my daughter to know him - for some of that magic to light up her picture of the world like it did mine.

It's just occurring to me that the last time I saw C was waving good-bye to him as I stumbled out of a cab in New York after a LONG night. He was on his way to another party and I had to work in the morning. Before I left for work the next day, I saw that he had called me several times in the wee hours of the morning - something I had grown very used to, no matter how many time zones were between us. I wonder who he calls now.

In my perfect world, we'll be friends again when we live closer. I think he'd really like my husband. I fantasize about him having his own place in our house where he can come and rest and write and play with our girl on the weekends.

2007-03-07T21:15:00.000-08:00

Ashley and I spent two nights at Edgefield - an old poor farm outside of portland that'd been renovated into an inn with lots of bars and whatnot - for a little break before the baby arrives. I fell for shuffleboard while we were there....SO FUN! Here's a picture of me standing over our game. I know it's dark, but I feel like it's a pretty accurate portrayal of exactly how huge I am.

2007-03-03T09:57:00.000-08:00

I never knew I could be so tired. I know people say the real tiredness comes after the baby is born, but I really do believe it'll be a relief to be just one person again. I feel like I have disagreed with a lot of what people told me about pregnancy, so maybe I'll disprove the whole "no sleep" thing, too? Hee-hee!

My appointment Thursday went well. I was full of questions, and I had a captive student midwife so I got them all answered - the "real" midwives often seem too busy to take a whole lot of time. The babe is head down, ready to make her entrance. Her heart rate is a nice 140 and she's moving more throughout the day. I haven't gained any weight in the last few weeks, which is surprising considering the fact that I've basically eaten sour cream, ice cream, cream cheese, and anything else whose main ingredient is cream. Why can't it always be like that?

Our birthing class was postponed a week. I'm not sure we'll make it to the end as we were cutting it close anyway. I suppose I'll figure it out anyway! I'm also interested in the breastfeeding class, and the infant care class....but I think we may have missed those boats
. Looks like we'll be learning lots on our own.

2007-02-24T11:21:00.000-08:00

Have you given up on me? It's funny - there is so much I want to write about, but so much that I can't write about that sometimes (well, most of the time) I just abandon the thought all together. I look forward to when life is an open book again, fodder for the page.

I'm very, very pregnant, people. I think we're approaching week 35 and feeling it. Supposedly I'm not all that big, but I sure feel it. I have two weeks left of scheduled shifts at Mabel's, and I think it'll be a relief to have a little time off from being behind the counter - it's very tiring right now, and each shift I spend at the shop sends me to bed for the remainder of the day. I'm so frustrated by my lack of energy/creativity/ability to do anything other than read magazines and watch TV. Poor Ashley - he's so bored by it all. Last night I made him lay in bed with me and watch Trading Spouses because I was lonely and cranky and anxious about everything. I swear people told me I would love being pregnant. Why are people such liars?

I am in good health, despite what I feel like. The baby sounds good and is moving around like a little trooper. Her favorite time is night...she gets really revved up right about 10pm. I'm feeling so ready to have her out and in our arms.

We start birthing classes on Monday, which I'm looking forward to. I really want to meet other people at the same stage as us, though I imagine we'll be farther along than most. Considering how many pregnant ladies come into Mabel's, I haven't met anyone at the same point as me. I just want someone to commiserate with.

Our shower was almost two weeks ago - it was really great, though I felt the absence of my mom, aunts, old friends greatly. It's so strange to be going through all of this excitement with all of them on the other side of the country.

Why all the complaining? Really, I feel pretty good and am excited beyond words....I'm just so bad at waiting! I want to see her little face, stare at her all day, stick her whole hand in my mouth and kiss her all over. Like NOW.

2006-09-29T09:55:00.000-07:00

I got a peep at the baby yesterday! I wasn't supposed to, but I did, and my GOD - what a thrill. My midwife was trying to hear the heartbeat and couldn't find it (I guess I have an inverted something or other that makes it hard to find at this stage) and I started to panic and was thinking "oh crap...I was right....there really isn't anybody in there." So she brought the ultrasound machine in and gooed my belly and right off...there he was! (I say "he" but I really don't know...just the feeling I got looking at him.) He was sqirming around and looking like a baby!! So crazy....

So we could see his heart pumping away. She turned off the ultrasound machine and was trying to hear the heart again and still couldn't find it, so she turned the machine back on to look, and he had COMPLETELY flipped around. What a little peanut. And my god....seeing a little profile, little arms. Then there, it was - a perfect little thump, thump, thump. And hearing his heart made mine jump into my throat.

So that was some awesome magic in an otherwise bad week. We will finish cleaning the old place today, so can finish unpacking in the new apartment and settling in for real. Phew. The relief is tangible.

2006-09-22T10:36:00.000-07:00

Well, we're in our new place, but not out of our old place....stuck between two worlds. I really like the new place, but it's so hard to relax when our old apartment is just full of....stuff. Ugh. I have moved 21 times since I left home at 17 (21 times in 13 years??). You'd think I'd be used to it by now. For someone who SO BADLY wants to settle down, it seems crazy to see that number written down. In every single one of my homes, I have had every intention of staying for a while. I make each place homey and pretty (people always say things like "You've only lived here for 3 months? It feels like it's been your home for years!") and then something happens...and I leave. How depressing it seems now!

Poor Ashley and Lottie. The moods, the weeping, the exhaustion....Ashley told me last night I kept waking up and yelling at Lottie. The poor little dear! I don't remember a thing, but I'm sure she does. Oh...it gives me a stomach ache just thinking of it!

Yancy (a great neighborhood lady) brought some maternity clothes by that aren't half bad! I'm not ready for real maternity clothes yet, but I'm already showing, and busting out of all my cute skirts and t-shirts! It's too soon! I'm going to get HUGE! These clothes seem like they'll work in the meantime - they just have a lot of extra elastic.

What else? Martha Wainwright's cover of The Tower of Song is just really, really good. It's one the soundtrack to the Leonard Cohen movie that came out a few months ago (also really good.) Nick Cave's covers are awesome, too. Funny story: Ashley and I went to that movie at Cinema 21 here in Portland and we sat in the balcony. That theater is SO DARK and you really experience the movie. I got so wrapped up in the Leonard Cohen movie that I was LOSING it - crying, biting my nails, gasping (I was also getting really mad at the woman next to Ashley who kept putting her drink in front of him) to the extent that Ashley finally turned to me and said "woman, what is WRONG with you?" and I said "I don't know, I think I'm pregnant." And I was! All of about one day pregnant, but there you have it!

2006-09-16T11:00:00.000-07:00

Everything always happens at once. We have our new apartment beginning Tuesday, and it seems laughable that we will ever be ready to move, let alone in three days. Ha! I'm so used to being an organized and motivated person - another life now - that I can't quite figure out how I've found myself sitting in the middle of half empty boxes poorly packed.

The doctors say that there's nothing else that can be done for Ashley's father. I don't know why this has come as such a shock - we've had 7 months of steady decline to prepare us - but that's just what it is....a complete and utter shock. I hope he's here when the baby comes - he loves babies. It's all so sad I can barely believe it.

In the middle of all this, we have to keep reminding ourselves that there's a little bundle of joy on the way. I never would have imagined that my first trimester (something that I've dreamed about my whole life) would be so...sad. It's hard to explain, and there are certainly moments when I can peer into the not too distant future and get a total thrill over what's to come. But right now? It all seems impossibly far off.

2006-09-14T10:17:00.001-07:00

Another list!

Here are 50 of my favorite books of all time:

1. Bleak House - Charles Dickens (this is, bar none, my very favorite book.)
2. Waterland - Graham Swift
3. A High Wind in Jamaica - Richard Hughes
4. Rabbit, Run - John Updike
5. Rabbit at Rest - John Updike
6. Wait Until Spring, Bandini - John Fante
7. Different Seasons - Stephen King
8. Jernigan - David Gates
9. Revolutionary Road - Richard Yates
10. The French Lieutenant's Woman - John Fowles
11. The Sheltering Sky - Paul Bowles
12. His Way - Kitty Kelley
13. Northern Borders - Howard Frank Mosher
14. Disappearances - Howard Frank Mosher
15. The Complete Sherlock Holmes - Arthur Conan Doyle
16. David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
17. Angle of Repose - Wallace Stegner
18. Prep - Curtis Sittenfeld
19. Bag of Bones - Stephen King
20. The Child in Time - Ian McEwan
21. Feast of Love - Charles Baxter
22. They Came Like Swallows - William Maxwell
23. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
24. The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole - Sue Townsend
25. Ask the Dust - John Fante
26. I Capture the Castle - Dodi Smith
27. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn - Betty Smith
28. Perfume - Patrick Suskind
29. Carrington: A Life - Gretchen Gerzina
30. Sophie's Choice - William Styron
31. The Secret History - Donna Tartt
32. The Bone People - Keri Hulme
33. My Side of the Mountain - Jean Craighead
34. The Plague - Albert Camus
35. Gift From the Sea - Anne Morrow Lindbergh
36. Judevine - David Budbill
37. The Wind-up Bird Chronicle - Haruki Murakami
38. The Bonfire of the Vanities - Tom Wolfe
39. A Widow for One Year - John Irving
40. While I Was Gone - Sue Miller
41. A Day No Pigs Would Die - Robert Newton Peck
42. The Phantom Tollbooth - Norton Jester
43. Midwives - Chris Bohjalian
44. The Falls - Joyce Carol Oates
45. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
46. Middlemarch - George Elliot
47. Atonement - Ian McEwan
48. Timequake - Kurt Vonnegut
49. Time Will Darken It - William Maxwell
50. Hard Times - Charles Dickens

So, there you have it. I love to read and I love suggestions, so if you've read anything great lately let me know.

2006-09-12T13:10:00.000-07:00

We found an apartment! An apartment that will take Lottie! It's kind of small, and the building is sort of ugly, but it has hardwood floors, nice light, and adorable original little kitchen that'll be just perfect for us. Our current place is just huge and carpeted (the worst!) and hard to clean and too close to Mabel's. Ashley and I are both collectors to the very core, so if we have space, we fill it. We have agreed to put the bulk of our stuff in storage for a year, and see how it feels to live without our trinkets, records, typewriters and books for a bit. I want a clean, effecient place when the baby comes. This may be a tad unrealistic for the two of us, but I'm putting my best foot forward!

The thought of having to pack and move all of our stuff is daunting. These days it's a chore for me to lift my head off the pillow each morning and get dressed. Oh, the tiredness! I can't explain it! My friends who have been through pregnancy before tell me it'll go away in the next few weeks. Please, please let it be so. I'm not even myself anymore.

I always think that if something good happens, my anxiety will lessen. It seems, in fact, that there's an amount of worry that I live with that doesn't change, regardless of the circumstances. How can that be? I thought for sure if I got the two new people trained (I have done) and found a new place, I could sleep through the night. If anything, it just seems worse. Lately I wake to any small sound - anything at all, and have a hard time going back to sleep for (sometimes) hours. I told Ashley this morning that it makes me worry that when the baby comes, I'll never sleep (I know new parents don't sleep anyway..) but that I'll remain vigilant over the baby all night long. It's so something I can imagine myself doing. I suppose it's not worth worrying (HA!) about now.

I wish that I could just relax a little sometimes. Ashley jokes that I need the TV on, a sudoku in one hand, Lottie at the other hand, and knitting on my lap before I seem to calm down. It's true, I suppose, that I need that amount of distraction to fool myself into chilling out. Mindful? Not so much. But that's something I'll work on in the next 6 months....wish me luck.

2006-09-09T14:43:00.000-07:00

Oh! Hi Friends!

Honestly, I've wanted to write here many times, about one thing in particular, but I haven't been allowed to yet. Can you guess? You smarty pants! Ashley and I are going to have a little baby.

I'm nearing the end of my first trimester, and we saw a nice strong heartbeat a few weeks ago, so it feels safe to tell people. We are thrilled beyond belief, as many of you know. We have tried since the day we got married to get pregnant, and were becoming seriously frustrated (and a little worried) about how long it was taking. As soon as I stopped taking Advil and scheduled an appointment to talk to my ob/gyn about infertility, the magic happened.

The day we fond out will remain one of my favorite memories. I was soooo used to taking tests that came up negative...month after month after month. I had one left in a package and just went for it and waited for the inevitable let down of only one pink line. But, there it was! That second line, fainter than the other, but THERE! Ashley was still at work, so I had to wait an agonizing 4 hours for him to get home. Boy, were we out of our minds with glee for the next few days.

Then came the sheer terror and anxiety. I thought I could feel the pregnancy ending every 20 minutes. I couldn't convince myself that I, of all people, could really have a baby of my own. It was unbelievable to me. It still is some days, but I've relaxed a little and have started (almost) to get used to the idea.

A lot is going on right now. We have to move at the end of the month and haven't found a place yet. We're making the awkward (but exciting!) move from summer to fall at the shop. I've hired two new people who need to be trained. I'm on day 10 of 18 days working in a row. And I'm so tired, friends, I can barely type the words. I find myself awake most early (early!) mornings trying to quell the fears that have been so persistant my whole life, and feel all the more vivid now. I want to be a calm, nurturing parent - not caught up in my own underpants all the time. I gotta work on that, I tell ya.

2006-07-15T13:06:00.000-07:00

Ooof. I am on my second day with no Advil. I have had a lame 2-4/day Liqui-Gel habit for about 3 years and yesterday my doctor told me to cut it out. Consequently, I feel as if my skin is being torn off, my head is being hammered in from behind, and like I ran a marathon yesterday. Doctor? Can taking Advil really be worse for me than this? Yesterday all I could do was lay on my couch and groan. I had to have someone cover the last three hours of my shift....sad and pathetic.

You see, I get some fierce migraines and have continually for the last 11 years. If I start to feel a little twinge in my right eye - a sure sign that a migraine is coming on - and I take a handful of advil, it usually interupts the headache. This has turned into a daily thing because I live in fear of these monsters. If I get a migraine, I am unable to talk, let alone wait on customers and make lattes. These headaches have been a big source of grief and anxiety for me. Ugh. If you know someone who suffers from migraines, give them a hundred squeezes today.

My doctor gave me a new medicine to try - others in the past have failed. The thing is, I have to wait until a migraine is well and truly on it's way before I can try it, and then it may or may not work. I have honed my Advil habit so well that I can almost always trick the headaches into submission. This'll be a VERY hard habit to break, especially since my doctor said I will likely get rebound headaches. Let the fun begin!!

2006-07-13T18:59:00.000-07:00

I promised I'd post a picture of my new fancy hair for my mom. Here you go, Mom! This is what it looks like now...it was a little blonder and longer back when I got it done, about 6 weeks ago....

2006-06-09T13:42:00.000-07:00

Inspired by Misha, I am going to do lists of my 50 favorite albums, books, and movies. Today? Albums! This was a fun list to put together. Apparently my tastes haven't really matured since I was 15 - but hey! I'm okay with that! Some of these are embarrassing to put down, but they are all so dear to me for so many different reasons. Anyone who reads this little blog should share their lists. I'd love to see what other people read/watch/listen to with all their hearts.

This list reflects what I think my 50 favorite albums are today (in no particular order). Tomorrow? Who knows!

1. Roxy Music - Avalon
2. The Cure - Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me
3. The Cure - Disintegration
4. The Cure - Head on the Door
5. The Smiths - Singles
6. Billy Bragg - Workers Playtime
7. Sade - Lovers Rock
8. Bob Marley and the Wailers - Birth of a Legend
9. Jethro Tull - War Child
10. Blind Faith - Blind Faith
11. Cat Stevens - Tea for the Tillerman
12. Beastie Boys - To the 5 Boroughs
13. Beastie Boys - Licensed to Ill
14. Paul Simon - Graceland
15. The Beatles - Revolver
16. The Beatles - Rubber Soul
17. Paul and Linda McCartney - Ram
18. Wings - Band on the Run
19. George Harrison - All Things Must Pass
20. Richie Havens - Best of Richie Havens
21. PJ Harvey - Stories from the City, Stories from the Sea
22. Liz Phair - Exile in Guyville
23. Kate Bush - Aeriel
24. Kate Bush - The Sensual World
25. The Red Bird Anthology
26. Aimee Mann - The Forgotten Arm
27. The B-52s - Cosmic Thing
28. The Ames Brothers - Destination Moon
29. The Beach Boys - Pet Sounds
30. Bob Dylan - Blood on the Tracks
31. Pixies - Doolittle
32. M. Ward - Transfiguration of Vincent
33. John Hiatt - Crossing Muddy Waters
34. Lucinda Williams - Essence
35. Nick Drake - Way to Blue
36. Sinead O'Connor - I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got
37. Nelly - Nellyville
38. Anything early by Frank Sinatra
39. Anything at all by Dean Martin
40. The Nylons - Happy Together
41. Simon and Garfunkel - Sounds of Silence
42. Her Space Holiday - The Young Machines
43. XTC - Singles
45. Wilco - Summer Teeth
46. Johhny Cash - American IV The Man Comes Around
47. Siouxie and the Banshees - Superstition
48. Cocteau Twins - Heaven or Las Vegas
49. Various - The Harder They Come Movie Soundtrack
50. Tracy Chapman - Tracy Chapman

2006-05-18T13:30:00.000-07:00

Dirty Secret

Holy Crap. I just spent the last two days reading Flowers in the Attic. I swear I read this when I was in 8th grade, but I didn't remeber it AT ALL. It is the trashiest, most wonderful book I have read in years. I think I get the whole summer reading thing now.

What else should I read like this?? I want suggestions! It's the most fun ever! I might even read the whole series! Yay for getting a BA in literature, and finding you prefer V.C. Andrews to D.H. Lawrence!

2006-05-16T17:36:00.000-07:00

Things that gross me out:

Chewing on a warm towel (which I don't think I've ever done, but good golly, just thinking about it is enough.)
Cracking knuckles.
White gunk on teeth.
Two paper-wrapped straws rubbing together (Oh My GOD - seriously - that makes me want to freak out.)
Loud chewing/teeth chomping/jaw popping.
Cans being crushed.
Pre-formed styrofoam being pulled out of boxes.
When one of my socks is on crooked under my shoe.

2006-04-25T15:01:00.000-07:00

Hey, for those of you who don't already know, the Mabel's Online Store is up and running! Go check it out at www.mabelscafe.com - woot!

In other news, we had a great day yesterday. We drove out to the Gorge and took a hike. I thought we were going for a "walk" and maybe we do things differently in Vermont, but what we did yesterday was a hike. I complained the entire way up, which I think was really fun for Ashley.

Then, of course, there was the great feeling of getting to the top (it's called Angels Rest for those of you in the area) and the beautiful view and nice cool breeze.

And on the WW front...I've lost about 6 lbs., which I'm pretty happy with so far! I feel better and have completely overhauled the way I eat and the way I think about food. It's pretty great, actually. It feels like a lifestyle change, not a diet at all. It's a slow process, but I think that's the way to do it. I've pretty much stopped drinking, which has turned out to be a great thing, and I am off wheat for the time being. Ashley and I have decided to step up the exercise (hence the hike) and have even started wearing pedometers. Oh, twenty-year-old self, I'm sorry for how uncool I've bec

2006-04-08T11:40:00.000-07:00

Perfect night...

We personally like to play all six games at once. We call it Blackout Yahtzee - perfect to be played by candlelight! I swear to you that I could play this game each night for the rest of my life and not get sick of it.

2006-04-07T16:09:00.000-07:00

Just little ol' me. Alone in my shop. So effing bored I'm taking pictures...of me...and my empty shop. Doop-de-doo.

That's my "For Pete's sake! Where is everyone? Why ain't I drinking?" face.

2006-03-29T23:07:00.000-08:00

Here are a few pictures from our fun touristy day around good 'ol Portland.

First we went to the Pittock Mansion, which is really pretty. Only, why is my husband always trying to sneak in a nap?

Then we went to the Skyline, which is this rad old diner. Where is it? I have no idea. Why? Because I rarely leave Division and when I do I get confused about what direction I'm headed in (you people out here have north and south switched around, I swear).

In the afternoon we headed to the Chinese Gardens. What a little gem of a place! How come nobody ever tells me about these places? Or, more to the point, why don't I ever listen to anybody when they tell me about places I might actually like in Portland?

Okay, friends. Tell me about your favorite places in Portland. I'm bound and determined to like this here city.

2006-03-28T17:47:00.000-08:00

I always love it when people post photographs of things they've found at thrift stores. I thought I'd do the same! We have a great little spot just down the street from us, which is dangerous. We always find a ton of things and Ashley and I are REALLY good at encouraging each other to buy treats for our home.

Here's a treasure:

A beautiful picnic basket in perfect condition. What's more? Service for six inside!

This is an old wooden box that's perfect for a coffee table and now holds some of my (ahem) rather large craft supply stash:

And some cute jars for the kitchen:

Ashley found a reading chair for his little room. It's VERY him:

You can never have enough craft books! Or can you? Seriously...can you? Because I think I have roughly one hundred thousand million:

Lots of fun things happened this weekend! I'll do a big post about our fun times soon. Word!

2006-03-25T12:01:00.000-08:00

So, now instead of being addicted to Netflix, I'm all about Court TV. How did I miss this little gem when I've had cable in the past? Last night we watched about 100 episodes of Forensic Files. So good! I also had 3 Izze and vodkas (it was a ROUGH day), so that may have added to the enjoyment.

Yesterday was just....you know. I felt trapped behind the counter and everyone had something to say and very specific needs. Sometimes it's all too much. My 11 hour days are long and I'm not always on my game, I'm afraid. Today is my third of three long days, but Saturdays are always okay with me. I've always liked working on Saturdays because everyone is in a good mood, and it's the day before SUNDAY, which is the very best day of the week. I used to hate Sundays and the terrible "Sunday feeling." I feel like owning your own business throws all the days to the wind and you take what you can get.

And on to Weight Watchers. It's been really easy so far, and I in fact have to eat quite a bit more than I'm used to. It's just different and more sensible. My real concern is that we love to go out to eat, and I can't see how that's really possible. It seems to me that you would just blow all your points at one time. Any suggestions from the WW alum? "Weigh In" is Tuesday, so I'll let you know how that goes.

At the risk of sounding like a crazy convert, I am going to post the WW Zero Point Vegetable soup, which is seriously THE BEST SOUP I'VE EVER MADE.

2/3 c. sliced carrot
1/2 c. diced onion
2 (we used 4) garlic cloves, minced
3 c. fat free broth (we used veg. boullion)
1 1/2 c. diced green cabbage
1/2 c. green beans
1 Tbs. tomato paste
1/2 tsp. dried basil
1/4 tsp. dried oregano
1/4 tsp. salt
1/2 c. diced zucchini

1. In large saucepan (we did it all in our cast iron pan) sprayed with cooking spray, saute the carrot, onion and garlic over low heat until softened (5 min.)
2. Add broth, cabbage, beans, tomato paste, basil, oregano, and salt; bring to a boil. Lower heat and simmer, covered, for about 15 minutes or until beans are tender.
3. Stir in zucchini and heat 3-4 minutes and serve hot. Makes four 1-cup servings.

Misha also suggested adding red pepper flakes, which I haven't tried yet.

Go make some and tell me how good it is!

2006-03-21T20:01:00.000-08:00

A little confession...

I have gained...well...a bit of weight since moving to Portland. And by a bit, I'm talking 20 pounds or so. And I weighed more than I woulda liked then, anyway. I carry weight pretty well, so I might not look a whole lot different than I did two years ago, but boy can I feel it. I felt heavy at my wedding (which REALLY bums me out - it was such a perfect and wonderful day that I'm angry that I get stuck on that) and I've wanted to really change my lifestyle since the. Problem is, I'm LAZY when it comes to eating properly and excersizing in a consistant fashion - and given the fact that I really don't love the city that I live in, it makes for the perfect storm of inactivity and terrible eating. Mind you, I am not an overeater, but I can make some pretty lame choices. For example? Eating a bowl of rice and three beers for supper is BAD, people!

When I was 17, I left for college and promptly lost 35 pounds off my athletic frame. I dipped right below 100 pounds, and think I messed myself up but good in the process. I haven't been able to be normal about food since then, and I sorely regret not keeping myself in check back in the day.

So? Today I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting. It felt good, and I almost cried 4 times for NO REASON. Then Ashley and I sat down and made a shopping list and went to Trader Joe's. He's going to follow along with me. I feel really inspired by people like Tricia, and I think this is going to work for me. I'm going to write about this more, and might even (gasp!) post some real photographs of myself throughout the process.

2006-03-19T13:56:00.000-08:00

I love Sundays. Sunday is the beginning of my weekend, and Monday is usually taken up with business junk, so I try to make the most out of this day.

This morning I met Robin for breakfast at the Laurelthirst, and then we drove around NW Portland for ages looking for Saint Cupcake. We found it!! (NW 17th and Flanders for you locals.)

Now I'm home for a few hours before my ladies business dinner. I think I'll work on this sweater from Handknit Holidays. It'll be a sample for the shop (naturally).

After my meeting I'll make some Chex mix in time for.....

The Sopranos! Oh HECK yeah!

2006-03-19T13:49:00.000-08:00

A little sunshine!

Who loves her quilt? Who loves having her picture taken?!

2006-03-17T10:57:00.000-08:00

Today is my Dad's birthday - he would have turned 65 today! He died in 1997, when he was only 56 years old.

My parents divorced when I was 14. Dad moved out of our house (I didn't even know what was going on - I thought he was leaving to get the paper) and moved in with Susan, who eventually became my step-mother. She lived in town, and we lived only about three miles away. In my memory, I see his car pulling out of our driveway the morning he left, but I'm not sure if that's how it really happened. I may have still been asleep.

I didn't see my father for six months after that, which considering the fact that we lived three miles apart seemed strange. My brother, Jason, saw him all the time and thought that Dad was too ashamed to see me.

I had a job when I was 14 - I cleaned two Doctors' offices at night after they closed. One night I was cleaning one of the bathrooms in the Dentist's office, and I turned around and Jason was standing there (he dropped by often, even though he was 19 at the time and living away from home). He said, "I brought someone to see you!" He looked so excited and relieved. We walked outside the front door and Dad was standing there. He looked embarrassed, and for the first time I could remember, genuinely glad to see me. He looked like a little boy. I was surprised by how happy I was to see him. I ran to him. He had a bag from Brookes Pharmacy. He said "I brought a little something for you." It was a 5 Star notebook and a package of pens. That memory kills me...and imagining him standing in the aisle trying to pick something for me makes me want to sob and makes me miss him like crazy. That's the memory I come back to the most.

When Jason died, Dad and I became very close in our sadness. A lot of it was unspoken, since Susan really forbid him to talk about anything having to do with his son. We both felt the bond, though, and it began a time of very prolific letter writing between us. I will always be thankful for that. He was a great and expressive writer and I cherish the stories and letters I have from him.

I was telling a friend the other day that it still hasn't hit me that I will never see my father again. It's been nine years! I was in Island Pond (the tiny town in Vermont where Dad grew up) with Ashley during our honeymoon, and as we were walking down the street and I saw my father - standing just like him, smoking just like him. My mind still won't tell me he's gone, even though I stood next to him as he died.

I sure miss him today - St. Patrick's Day, his birthday (perfect). Have a beer in his honor!

2006-03-16T10:20:00.000-08:00

Our home:

Details

2006-03-16T10:01:00.000-08:00

Little Family!

2006-03-13T21:46:00.000-08:00

Okay, I was totally down on the Sopranos until the last 5 minutes. Holy cow! That was some action. I feel like so much is going to happen! I'm all wound up. I need to know for sure if this is the last season. Ashley and I were under the impression that there were also going to be 10 episodes at the beginning of 2007. Does anybody know for sure?

We decided that we've seen every episode of the Sopranos more than once, and as many as five times. What does that say about us? I mean other than that we are lazy and useless?

I also watched the premiere of Big Love, which was kind of a snoozer. I think there might be some potential there, and they have the best time spot in all of cable kingdom, so we'll see. But why is Chloe Sevigny so creepy? And why does she have to give me the stink eye through the TV?

2006-03-12T18:31:00.000-08:00

It's hard for me to settle down. In the last 12 years (since I left home), I have lived in 18 different places. Fhew...just writing that makes me exhausted and sad. We have lived in our current apartment for over a year. That's a record for me! And we have no immediate plans to move....miraculous. I'm just now starting to see how nice it is to feel a little like my house is my home. I know that most of that feeling has to do with Ashley and Lottie, but I also am really starting to like this place.

I do dream of our own house. It's all I've ever wanted - my little family and my little house. Too much other stuff has happened, and now I just want to settle down for real and for good.

So, yeah - this isn't the final stop, but it's a nice one!

I tried to download pictures of our place, but Blogger gave me the big thumbs down. I'll try again tomorrow!

2006-03-10T18:36:00.000-08:00

I really love my husband for many reasons, not the least of which is that he ORDERED HBO SO WE CAN WATCH THE SOPRANOS. Those of you who know Ashley, know this is a big deal. He don't like TV so good. Luckily, his absolute devotion to The Sopranos won out. Score! I read a review of the first four episodes on CNN.com, and nearly lost it. Now we're trying to figure out if we can watch the whole last season (which we did see, but don't own) before Sunday at 9. Though, then I'll have to relive the whole Adriana thing, which was HARSH.

Oh, Tony, Silvio, Paulie Walnuts, Christapha....you've been missed. Janice....not so much.

2006-03-10T17:15:00.000-08:00

It kind of snowed in Portland yesterday! That's a picture of Lottie in the backyard, trying to pee, but being too excited by my excitment. I really miss snow!

2006-03-07T10:55:00.000-08:00

What the hey is up with this blog? I'm going to try to fix it, but in the meantime you should visit the Mabel's Blog!

2006-03-03T15:23:00.000-08:00

Ugh...I know the next entry is posted 3 times....it won't let me delete anything right now. Incidentally, the 2nd one is correct.

UPDATE: Okay! I done fixed it!

2006-03-03T15:18:00.001-08:00

Molly sent me this meme (umm....is that how you use that word in a sentence?) to complete and send on:

4 Jobs I've Had:
Flower Farmer
Bartender
Potter's Assistant
Girl Friday

4 Movies I Could Watch Over and Over:
A Room With a View
Stand By Me
Grey Gardens
Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf

4 Favorite TV Shows:
The Wonder Years
Alfred Hitchcock Presents
The Sopranos
Six Feet Under

4 Places I Have Lived:
St. Johnsbury, Vermont
London, England
Bozeman, Montana
Brooklyn, New York

4 Places I Have Vacationed:
All over Maine
South Carolina
West Barnet, Vermont
Portland, Oregon

4 Sites I Visit Daily:
Loobylu.com
Soulemama.typepad.com
CNN.com
Mabels.typepad.com

4 Favorite Meals:
Mom's mac 'n cheese
Yellow Curry Soup at Thanh Thao
Hot Noodle Soup at Shin La
Tempura Udon

4 Places I'd Rather Be:
Doris Badger's Camp on Harvey's Lake
Mom's Kitchen
Parker's Pond
Wherever Ashley is

4 People I'm tagging to answer these questions, too:
Ashley
Krista
Jon
Misha

2006-02-10T14:53:00.000-08:00

Friday is the new Tuesday!

So, New York was pretty great. I stayed out too late, drank too much, and slept too little (and was very ready to come home to my sweetheart), but it was still great. I visited all the yarn shops and got some idea of what's happening on the scene there. Really, it's not so different from what we're up too, which was refreshing to see. It was fun searching out all of the funny locations of the shops....they are all smaller than Mabel's by half, at least, and you have to get buzzed into a number of them. It makes me grateful for the space we have, and makes me feel like we aren't as tiny as I sometimes imagine. I have lots of new ideas about how to use space, etc. An enlightening trip, to be sure.

I was able to spend some time with my friends, which was cool, but really left me homesick and wondering about the future. I so want to warm up to Portland....really, I do....but nothing makes me feel better - more elated and hopeful - than talking about Vermont. I have such a bond with that state, and with the Northeast Kingdom in particular, that it's hard to image having children and growing old anywhere else. Nick reminded me how lucky I am that I've found someone who accepts that and who, in his short time in the Kingdom, fell for it hard. I agree! Here's to Mr. Smilingforth!

So, yes. Lots of thinking, planning, rearranging, and knitting to be done now. I feel ready for it all. These next five years (I think) will prove to be my favorites yet.

One of the best things about getting home? Smelling Lottie's stink....so GOOD!

Oh, and for those of you who hate flying? I took Halcyon (sp?) this time, and that is some good magic. There is this terrible sports bar in the Jet Blue terminal at JFK, and before my return flight I decided to have a beer and try to calm down. This place was so nasty...lots of meatheads, neon lights, TVs and scantilly clad waitresses. I was drinking my beer and getting more and more nervous about the flight and hating the stupid bar, so I decided to take my pill a little early. A full TWO MINUTES later, I was pondering how much I LOVED the bar. Good stuff!

More Tuesday...or maybe sooner. Woot!

2006-01-24T20:20:00.000-08:00

Who loves Tuesdays???

Okay, honestly, I'm going to try to update more. But today something actually happened! I called my boss in New York and she bought me a ticket to fly to New York next week. Just like that! Just for the heck of it! Do you know how exciting this is? I can hardly believe it. I'm making a mental note of all my favorite places to go. A movie at The Angelika, drinks at Frank's, cheap shopping at H&M, The Whitney, and Chinatown. Wa-HOO! Yay! And all my friends! I can't effing wait!

Also, my very good friend Nick called today to say he's in town and up for a visit. This is also very exciting since I haven't seen him in a long time and he's one of my all-time favorites.

Tuesday is full of surprises and exclamation points!

2006-01-17T18:42:00.000-08:00

Another stinkin' Tuesday! Today hasn't been too bad - we're trying to get our online store up and running, which is proving to be a bit of a pain, but other than that it's been mellow. A little too mellow. WHERE IS EVERYBODY? Who ever let 29 days of rain keep them inside? Geez, Louise. I sure do miss New England sometimes. And by sometimes I mean all the dang time. The rain is really getting me down, and is just killing business. Ugh. Just one good day of sunshine is all I'm asking for. It's been so effing long.

This past week I finished the 7 Up series (Ashley - please show me how to link!) and now I'm obsessed with finding the still unavailable 49 Up, which aired in Britain in September, I believe. I gotta know what's going on with everyone! Aye! These people feel like my family in my own creepy, out of touch way - much like Rabbit Angstrom did after I read all the Rabbit books in a two week period. I couldn't get enough of that man!

I finished my sweater (disappointing) and I need a new project. I'm still kind of in the mood for a larger project, but I can't put my finger on it. Maybe something with alpaca.

Oh, and this is day 4 or 5 of no sugar for me. It hasn't been so bad, especially since I can still have Diet Coke (blessed be) and lots of other stuff I like. We'll see where this is leading...I just want some good health, is all.

Okay! awesome!

2006-01-10T14:05:00.000-08:00

Ah, Tuesday. Tuesday, tuesday. Tuesday is the day I'm at the shop for 12 hours on my own (yes, I caved and extended the shop hours). And that means no movies, no doggie, and no swearing for 12 hours straight, which is difficult.

Tonight is book group. The book is Inherit the Wind, keeping with our chosen theme of trials. I liked it - it took about an hour and a half to read, and was quite relevent. I'm bummed that I have to work while it's going on, but I suspect I'll be able to listen in.

I just bought the new Kate Bush album (actually a double album) and the second part (A Sky of Honey) is kicking my ass - it's so good. Is it really uncool to like Kate Bush? Goodness. I was listening to it last night and every song was making me want to cry. Not in the sad way, but in the over-emotional, freaked out way. I'm not even sure why I bought it, but I'm glad I did.

So...yeah. So much, so much. We've been talking so much about the business (as usual) and how to make it all work out. We're launching an online store by the end of January, which I am very hopeful about. I just keep thinking the perfect solution will come along....until then we'll just work, work, work and hope for the best.

2006-01-03T18:18:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! Know what I'm going to do? I'm going to make some resolutions, and I'm really going to try and keep them. I feel like this is a big year coming up, and there's some crap I need to take care of. It's going to be great! I'm going to be great! 2006 is going to be great!

1. A lot of what I need to take care of has to do with the shop. I have decided to fill the shop only with things that I really love and would want to buy myself. I have felt this funny pressure to carry novelty yarns that I really don't like (and which have very little integrity) and I just don't want them around anymore. I would much rather give my money to people making beautiful yarn, that will turn into beautiful and long-lasting projects. Another decision about the shop has to do with the hours we are open. We have struggled through the last year with having very long hours. I've decided to cut the hours to 10/day - which is PLENTY FOR A YARN SHOP, and which makes so much sense to me. Some customers will be upset by this change, but I know in my gut that it's the right thing to do. Yay for guts!

2. Okay, okay. I know we all say this, but shit...I need to start taking care of myself. I need to get better sleep, drink fluids not containing caffeine or alcohol, and walk further than across the street to Wild Oats. Also? NO MORE DINNERS OF HASH BROWNS FROM TRADER JOE'S. That's not a meal - it's a disgusting habit, akin to eating a stick of butter for supper once a week. Which I will also stop doing.

3. This is a tough one. I am not going to BUY (so be it if I happen upon one on the street) any of the following magazines:
US Weekly, People or In Touch.

4. More new music. I'm so out of touch these days (which happens when you never leave the block you live on and own a yarn shop) and I want to get into new stuff again. Portland has some fun music venues, and it's silly that I've spent the last 2 years buying magazines (see above) instead of seeing music.

5. Since moving to Portland (away from a city and a whole side of the country that I LOVE) I have really struggled with being happy. Along with that has come a crippling inability to be creative in any real way. This year I vow to give Portland a chance, and hope that that means a little part of me will come back. I want to challenge myself in some of my creative pursuits, and maybe step outside if (but not away from!) my normal outlets. I think it's time again.

That's enough for one year. Next year I will totally kick the Diet Coke habit.

2005-12-29T12:42:00.000-08:00

Well, I haven't done much since the last post, other than watch roughly 1 million movies. Ashley and I exchanged 60 hours worth of movie viewing on Christmas, and we now have THREE unlimited rental deals. It can be exhausting, but it means that I can finish a sweater a week these days, what with all the knitting/viewing time.

In addition to the movies (including a version -the only version?- of Bleak House!) I got a nice skirt, a really rad coat (inspired by Quadrophenia), a rare edition of the Tasha Tudor Christmas book and lots of other treats. Presents are fun! I gave Ashley a sweater I made. I waited until the last minute to finish it, and knit until my fingers bled. He looks hot in it, so it was all worth it. There's something to be said for knitting a sweater for your husband. It feels so grown-up and official and Christmasy.

I turned 30 a ways back. That was fun, because we stayed at the Kennedy School and I got more presents and drank a lot of beer. I got a Swatch and a keyboard (I know - you're thinking I meant to say it was my 13th birthday, but it really was my 30th, hence the beer).

There's more, I'm sure. I'm positive something happened other than opening presents and watching movies, but I'm damned if I can come up with it now.

Yay! Maybe I'll post again soon!

2005-10-03T18:12:00.000-07:00

You wouldn't know it, but it's my weekend. You know why you wouldn't know it? Because I'm at work. It's almost okay, because yesterday I got up for long enough to move to the couch, where Lottie and I slept ALL DAY LONG. I can't put into words how tired I was. People, I was too tired to watch TV. I thought I might be sick, but everything seems in order today. Hooray!

This morning Ashley and I walked over to Henry's for breakfast. It was delicious and we had a nice time chatting about the shop and making plans. After breakfast (and then tea at K&F) we strolled back to the shop and tackled the back closet. So many abandoned knitted projects. So many rusty tools. SO MUCH PAPER. It's all tidy and organized now - and how could it not be? All that crap is now sitting on our dining room floor upstairs.

I guess that's it for now. I just fell into a mac n' cheese coma.

2005-09-27T16:21:00.000-07:00

Another weekend bites the dust. It was a good one, though. Annette and I went to the Oregon Flock and Fiber Festival and saw lots of yarn and fiber and sheep and llamas. The only disturbing part? Walking past crowds of people eating lamb sausages while little tiny lambs were wandering about, crying and being cute. Golly. But I did buy some beautiful yarn from Blue Moon, and will hopefully be carrying their stuff in the shop by January. It was nice to have some of the vendors tell me what good stuff they have heard about the shop - every little bit helps these days.

I had a nice Sunday afternoon to myself - I hung out in my newly transformed craft room and made some sculpey figures, including a little bust of Lottie. I then broke said bust by encouraging Lottie to play with it - "Look Lottie! It's you!" - and now have to repair it.

Ashley and I had a date Sunday night. We had supper at the Lovely Hula Hands and then went to see Her Space Holiday at the Doug Fir. We got really into one of his cds when we were courting, so it was nice to go together. The show was great, the place was great, but the next time I WILL NOT DRINK ELEVENTY BEERS. It always seems like such a grand idea, and I honestly convince myself that I'll feel fine in the morning. Well, I didn't. I had my first drawing class at PCC at 1 pm, and was finally feeling normal-ish by then.

Ashley finally persuaded me to watch Scarface yesterday (and into today), and it was pretty good if you didn't have to listen to that GOD-AWFUL SCORE. What on earth? We also watched some of Season One of Northern Exposure, a mystery gift for our wedding. I do love Northern Exposure. It makes me feel good and like there are nice people in the world. Unfortunately those people wear pleats, and a lot of them. I've never seen so many pleats!

(Chris - if you read this, let me know when you'll be in Portland - I'd love to see you!)

2005-09-22T14:44:00.000-07:00

Here I am! I had to stop posting for a bit because my readership was getting out of control and the celebrity was threatening to change me. I mean REALLY. Two readers a day I could handle. But three?? Sometimes four?? Yipes.

During all of this I also got married and read a lot of books and watched a lot of movies. Someday I will learn to make links and post pictures. Maybe my HUSBAND will show me how.

The highlight of our trip for me (other than the wedding, the family, and the Doritoes) was getting to swim almost everyday. Other nice things were walking around the lake, riding bikes around West Barnet, and touring the Kingdom in mom's Subaru. The not so great stuff was having to see my family's old store closed down, the nightlife in St. Johnsbury, and how effing bad New York smells. How did that escape me for three years? Lordy.

I didn't knit one single stitch for the month we were gone. It was fairly liberating, but now I'm back at it in full force.
I'm teaching tons of classes this fall and need to complete all the samples for those classes while still working on my HUSBAND'S sweater.

Other than that? I really love my dog. I like sleeping in a tent with her, I like her stinky stink, and I like her smiley face.
I don't like it when she poops in the same room we eat in, or when she draws blood because we're too lazy to clip her nails, but she's still a keeper.

More later, but in the meantime, did I mention MY HUSBAND??

2005-07-08T14:14:00.000-07:00

Rainy Portland day. It's nice inside the shop, though - very cozy.

My lady friends and I went to Dot's last night for fries with spicey tofu sauce. So good! Then I got to listen to a recording of Brooke's that Kerry had in her car - it was rad! I want more!

Mister and I settled in to watch the 4th season of the Sopranos when we got home from our respective outings but SOMEONE had "two" drinks before he came home and snoozed through most of the first episode. I gave up after that and went to bed. It took me approximately no seconds to fall asleep.

Good knitting weather. I'm working on a baby blanket for the shop out of Debbie Bliss Superchunky Cashmerino, and upstairs is Ashley's Green Mountain Spinnery sweater. Tonight I think I'll spin this cool silk blend from Louet - it's a beautiful mossy green, which I'm pretty crazy about at the moment.

I'm wearing my brand new shirt from Memoir, and I've only spilled 11 things on it!

2005-07-07T10:36:00.000-07:00

Well, the 4th was good - even though I spent most of the day on the couch, recovering from our trivia night celebration at The Basement. We came in third! That's worth being unable to move my head until 3PM. In the afternoon we went to Ashley's sister's for a small bbq which was mellow (thank god) and pretty fun altogether. We only stayed for a couple of hours, though, because I was felling a little barfy from sitting in the hot hot sun.

Then? Brooke came home! The Hogans came over for a few hours, which was quite nice.

On Tuesday Brooke and I tore around town and then watched a skeezy but awesome special about celebrity weddings. So gross! Sooooo good!

Tonight we're going to the newly beerified Clinton Street Theater to see Gimme Shelter with Paul and Robin. We did just see it, but there's beer and I have Ashley's sweater to work on during the movie. Stockinette hell at the moment, but really good knitting for dark places. Ooo...that's my new book. Knitting for Dark Places.

2005-07-02T20:30:00.000-07:00

I started Ashley's sweater using Green Mountain Spinnery's Cotton Comfort, which I love. I'm using "suede" and "silver" which are more like a natural brown and off white. It should be fierce. I think it'll look really good on him.

Someone bought something off our registry! A scale! Whatchu' trying to say??

Today was a pretty good day in the shop despite it being July 4th weekend. I used to LOVE the 4th - it was my favorite holiday for most of my life. We'd have big cookouts on the lake, and then after my parents were divorced, Dad would have big parties on his pond. Now it's just another sad marker in the year. I assume that when I have a family of my own, these days will be easier and even fun, but now they BLOW. You hear that? They BLOW.

Anyway...I'm working the late shift tonight, which is just as well because I think Ashley is going to try and make me watch Dawn of the Dead. (Ha...just kidding, Honey! I'm psyched!) It would be a shame if I "fell asleep."

2005-07-01T15:57:00.000-07:00

I know it's a slow day when I feel compelled to buy yarn just to drive up sales...ha...hmmm. It's fine, though. We just need a ton of people to come in tonight and drink beer and eat ice cream! And yeah...knit!

Today I called the guy who is going to dj our wedding. He wasn't home, which is a good thing because I didn't know what to say..."if I hear one single note of YMCA or if you even DREAM of playing the Rocky theme when we walk in, I'll CRY." Nah. Though, it would be funny to be like that. Funny in the disgusting way. Really, I just want music that people will enjoy but that also reflects our taste. i just need to get Ashley to understand that nobody, and I mean NOBODY, can dance to Jethro Tull. Right?

Tonight we're going to the Hedge House with Paul and Robin. Beer is such a good idea today. It's hot and everyone seems a little irritable. Let the good times roll!

2005-06-29T21:24:00.000-07:00

Holy cow! So many crafty things to report...

Monday Brooke and I met up in the morning for our first weekly work/craft day. The idea is to spend an entire day each week sewing/knitting/spinning for our shops. We started out by stopping by two local fiber stores to pick up roving. We headed back to my place and got ourselves situated and managed to finish...one bag. Kind of lame, but still a pretty good start to this whole enterprise, I think.

Later on, we found our way to the spinning wheel. Neither of us have spent any time on spinning wheels (Brooke can drop spindle) but I was fairly impressed by our progress. After the Hogan family left for the evening, I spun for a couple hours more while Ashley and I finished The Singing Detective. How hunched over was I by the end of the evening? My chin was practically touching my knees. Gotta work on the whole spinning posture thing, I suppose.

Tuesday we loaded up on Japanese craft magazines (SO MUCH BETTER than most of the American swag...) and later on headed over to craft night at Memoir.

Today Brooke and Kerry (along with Sebs) are going to visit their very ill father in California. Send all the good thoughts in the world their way! I miss you guys already!

2005-06-24T14:57:00.000-07:00

Brooke and I are thinking of heading to Fabric Depot today after work to find material to make bags for both of our shops. I think it's a great idea - the more I can be involved, the better. I just have to get over being afraid of my sewing machine. We are going to start setting aside a day a week to make things for our businesses. One less middle man!

Doris brought by her Ashford spinning wheel for me to borrow! I am SO FREAKING excitied! I'm considering spinning lessons, but with everything else that's going on, I doubt I have the time right now. If we get any money, oh say around August 13th, I'd really like to get my own wheel...maybe even spin a little for the shop.

I will not drink another Diet Coke today. Gross.

2005-06-22T20:50:00.000-07:00

It's Wednesday and....blah. Wenesday is my late night and I can't get into it today. I want to be watching The Singing Detective (the show , not the movie - SO GOOD) and hanging with fancy pants and the dog. I love my morning into day shifts, but sometimes these evenings can be a killer. It doesn't help that they are STILL drilling pavement across the street beginning at 7 am. Yipes.

This morning Lottie and I went on a run because I couldn't face the gym. I should have known then that it would be a day of not wanting to face things. A hide-under-the-covers day. In New York I would have called in sick (shame), bought a ton of magazines and spent the day in bed. Heaven. Those days feel ages away. Sometimes being the boss lady feels overwhelming.

But that's not to say I don't love what I do. I do! That doesn't mean I don't want to call my mom and tell her make it better for me. Pathetic.

Ha! Anyway...I assume a good night's sleep will clear the gloom. That and a month's vacation! I tell you what!

2005-06-21T10:07:00.000-07:00

We went to Seattle with Brooke, Matt, Sebastian and Spud yesterday. For me, the highlight of the trip was stopping in Centralia on the way back for awesome Mexican food and a quick stop at the Goodwill.

It was Sebastian's 2nd birthday (his party was the day before at the shop) and he was so good on the trip that Ashley and I can't stop freaking out about it. He's such a little man, complete with manners and a sense of humor. One of his parents is always paying attention to him, which I think is the key. He never feels ignored and therefore never needs to throw a fit. It makes hanging out with him really fun.

I had guilt all day about leaving Lottie alone. She spends so much time on her own during the week, that I think it's important fo us to try to be with her on our weekend. She really is a good girl, but I'm beginning to think she could use some training. She gets sooo excited when we have visitors (especially little cute ones) that she can't contain herself and it's exhausting and annoying for everyone around her. Poor girl. I wish she had some doggie friends, but even they seem to have a limit when it comes to our little girl.

Tonight is book group (we're reading Ladies & Gentlemen, the Bronx is Burning) and the rest of my day will be spent trying to finish the book! Tra-la! Some things never change.

People received our wedding invitations yesterday, so we should start hearing back from our friends and family in the next couple of weeks. I'm surely looking forward to it.

2005-06-18T10:16:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I splurged and bought a new skirt and hooded sweatshirt from Memoir (on Mississippi in PDX - I will post links as soon as I know how). Everything in the store is handmade and well selected. My skirt is denim with a red felt horse appliqued on the front and the sweatshirt is black with a skull and bones on the front.

Ashley and I went to the Farmer's Market this morning and got some nice looking carrots and radishes. Since the shop now opens at 10 on the weekends, it feels like a whole world of activities has re-opened to us. We can even start going to yard sales! Because we need more crap!

I found the haircut I want for the wedding, so I'm going to see if Mary can give me a test run this week. Very short bangs and even (gasp!) some color.

2005-06-17T14:40:00.000-07:00

Friday, friday....a funny day in the shop. It's either crazy or dead. Today is crazy. It's cool and a little rainy and that usually means it's fairly hopping in here. I love it. I can't believe our good luck with the weather this summer.

I sent out a big email to everyone who has given us their address about the new additions here. Some nice responses have already started coming back. Yay for booze and ice cream! Yay! Is it time for me to stop talking about this and move on? Oh, I guess so.

I still haven't picked a next project, though Brooke suggested trying to design some knitted jewelry. I think it's a rad idea and I'm going to work on some sketches. I thing cotton or cashmere would work best. Maybe Debbie Bliss Cotton Cashmere? The colors are so great and the gauge might work nicely for this project.

Ashley has his first root canal today. Poor fella. He was WAY freaked out, but it turned out to be small peanuts. Hopefully it won't be too painful later on tonight. Maybe we'll be too busy with the 4th season of the Sopranos for him to notice his little ol' tooth.

2005-06-16T11:12:00.000-07:00

It's slow in the store this morning. There is crazy drilling happening outside of the natural foods market across the street, and I swear it's keeping everyone off the street. So unpleasant.

Yesterday was a good day for us, though. It's still so surprising to have a decent day when it's warm outside - it feels like a treat. Like we should celebrate!

The wedding inches toward us. I feel so excited about it, but am dreading the flight so much that it gets in the way. Why, why, why? The fear of flying thing is so, so lame. Hopefully I can come up with some drugs before the big day. I've taken Halcyon in the past (worked fairly well) and Valium (didn't even work a little), and as my fella and I discovered rather alarmingly two years ago, I can't fly on nothing at all. We bought seats that are about 15 rows apart, because it seems my fear is heightened if he's next to me. Ugh...lame. I need to straighten out.

I also need to start a new project today. My cabled riding jacket that I was working on from Loop-D-Loop ended rather spectacularly when the pattern COMPLETELY STOPPED MAKING SENSE. Sad, as it was so pretty and looked like it might be flattering with all it's sexy shaping. So yeah...a good warm project is just the ticket.

2005-06-15T15:47:00.000-07:00

We've been struggling with ways to bring people into our shop during the summer months. We finally, after more than three months, have received our liquor license. This is big news! This small infusion has led to all kinds of energy directed toward the shop, and then to other places beyond that. When it finally seemed like we would be approved for our license, we went crazy with other ideas - ice cream, espresso shakes, new classes - and we really have started looking forward to September, when business goes through the roof. We know so much more than we did a year ago, and everything is so much less terrifying.

With the new rush at the shop, I felt like it was time to (finally) focus on some things that I'd wanted to do on my own. Since opening in June of last year, every inch has been taken by running the business...but a year into it, it feels like there is space to concentrate on other things. I'm working on a small magazine that I'll publish on my own, and this blog - both called The Gauge.

It's going to be a good summer in other ways, as well. My fella and I are getting married in Vermont in August. I am from Vermont and haven't been there for two years. The thought of spending a month there makes me want to freak out with joy. We're renting a camp on the lake I was raised on, and I can't wait to show him...everything. I'm also hoping that leaving Portland for a spell will make me fond of it. I could use that.